SATIRE: ‘I Am Not As Slow As Y’all Think’, The President Replies His Critics–By Isaac Kola
January 9th, 2013 by Editor
Speed is relative; it is a function of your perspective. The cup may be half empty or half full – it all depends on how and where you are looking at it from. One thing I can assure you all is that “slow” I am not. I am seriously perturbed by the way “the children of anger” spin things around to suit their god-father whims. How on earth can someone accuse me of being slow when UMYA, my former boss, should wear the toga with charismatic grace? I don’t just get it.
I will enumerate my achievements to silence the never- do- wells, collective children of anger and perpetual critics, who always shout about what is wrong with my policies but never see my accomplishments in the few months I have taken over at the helm of affairs at the rock.
Firstly, there has never been a government before me that has employed a collection of women of integrity and men of timber and and plywood in the academia and business world. The collection of shining stars in my employ is unequalled and unparalleled in our country’s history.
Secondly, the vigor and gusto with which we are tackling corruption is second only to the United States and transparency international can attest to this. To buttress the point, you can see that DAM is still a minister, Worgu is still working,EFCC and ICPC are arresting my enemies in droves, Adoke is still a minister and my benefactor and political godfathers are all men of integrity.
Thirdly, who can fault the swiftness with which I removed the card carrying ACN appeal court Judge even though it was on a weekend? The old man is tribalistic and the rate at which he was going….you could see how all the Governors from my party heaved a sigh of relief when I booted the ‘buffalo’ out. Moreover, his closeness to the godfather from the west scared me out of my wits’ end.
Fourthly, how can you accuse me of being slow and yet accuse me of being too fast in removing petrol subsidy? Nobody can please these ranting lunat…. Sorry Nigerians. I am too fast today yet tomorrow I am too slow? What an irony! While the town hall meetings were ongoing, I showed you all that I am faster than Ronaldo and Messi put together.
Again your accusation of ‘slowness’ is unfounded because I flew to the scene of the air mishap on Toyin street in the Iju axis under twenty four hours without bothering about my crowded schedule. Shedding crocodile tears at the scene of the air mishap was strictly for the cameras.
You complain of job creation and I am amazed at your short memory span. Look at the array of aides and aides’ aides, coupled with the retinue of docile incompetent ministers I have employed. Count them and you will definitely give me kudos. I never promised to eradicate poverty but to increase wealth (though the wealth creation and increase is for the hangers on and AGIP guys). The number of committees created and the speed at which they are still being created is phenomenal under my watch and not even the Obama administration can equal my job creation records. I deserve to be praised .
Lastly, can anybody equal the rate at which the ‘oyel’ monies are disappearing! And you think I am slow? I dey laugh O! I worship sleaze, misappropriation, corruption and the likes. See the way I have turned ICPC ,EFCC and their cohorts into LAMBDOG. Nobody (I mean nobody) can be effectively prosecuted under my watch at all. Like a friend said on twitter some time ago, “I am the corrupter in chief’ and ‘ grand corrupter of the order of the Niger’. I rest my case.
And you know what? I don’t give a damn what y’all think about me!
Isaacola AA can be reached on twitter @newnaija and @TT007newnaija