HILARIOUS BUT TRUE
Forget the ratings and all the negatives we are encumbered and bombarded with. Just laugh it off with yours truly as I bring to you some of those unforgettable moments grafted into my memory; events time have be unable to shake away, despite how long ago it has been.
On my way from work inside Apapa, after finishing a rigorous night shift of romancing flour and additives in the laboratory of a flour mill, yours truly was dead tired and waiting for a bus to take me down to Oshodi. I was fortunate to get a bus fast and I had positioned myself at the back of the bus to manage some sleep on the way when I was awakened from my slumber by a good slap and a scream from a nicely dressed co-passenger (who happened to be a well-dressed mad woman, permit my use of word). I mean insanely mad! She was shouting to the driver and the stunned conductor (in a typical Yoruba way) that I should be warned. In her words:
“Help me warn this man, what do you want from me? Where did I know you? Why are you disturbing me?”
I was rubbing my chin, rather confused and thinking of what I did to deserve such treatment from this raving lunatic? Yours truly is small of stature as you might have guessed and usually a easy target to pick on in such situations so I begged the driver to drop me off or drop the woman but as fate had it, the woman dropped after much persuasion. It stood out like a sour thumb in my mind even after seven years.
I remembered vividly, then in my secondary school days when having a girlfriend was the thing in vogue. I was then one of the best three students in my level and I mean a level with up to six arms with a minimum of fifty students in each class. Was I proud? Mba! I was very modest even then. My gist actually was that I was very shy so whatever the advance yours truly got from the opposite sex was laughed off even when my third leg was screaming “This is your chance!” I made my mind up one day that I would approach the local champ among the girls in class. After much rehearsals, I approached her, calling her “Cherry” because her name was Sherifat.
I said: “That “thing” you asked me the other time that I said later, I think it is time for it.” Wow, bad guy you be boy! Nothing really came out of the so called relationship because I was too married then to my main lover to really double-date. My book was my primary love all through secondary school.
Finally, I remembered then in my JSS2 class somewhere in Ilorin, we owned our locker then as the school’s policy was that, when resuming JSS1, you come in with your locker and chair and your name must be written boldly on it to prevent theft. It so happened one day after getting to class (I was habitually one of the earliest in the school) that I saw this skinny girl in my class copying the name on my locker to a sheet of paper. I asked her why and she replied that because she was very brilliant in the ‘opposite direction’. An “Alfa” had asked her to bring the names of the three best students in the class for him to help her academic thrust. Umm, the names on the piece of paper were spelt wrongly in the first place but thank God, she did not just lack an academic brain alone; common sense eluded her. If not, why would she ask yours truly to help her in copying my name on a sheet of paper that is to be taken to an “Alfa”? That was the only time my father followed me to school and that was how the skinny Sikirat left the school for good. It was a wonderful day! *laughing out loud*
In conclusion, I was traveling to Akure to see my In-laws like five years ago when I suddenly discovered the man sitting next to me in the bus was sweating profusely like a “Sallah cum Christmas” goat. You all know how these buses are, especially the traveling ones. It is when you see all manners of preachers and solution providers for all our national calamities. You will hear all manner of jokes and current affairs but as all these were going on in the bus, the man was just nodding and sweating like a caught thief. When we got to Ife by-pass roundabout, the man could take it no more. He shouted to the driver;
“Please I want to poooooooooooooooooooo!”
We were all taken aback but before you could say Jack Robinson, the man jumped off the moving bus, pulled down his trouser, not minding the women in the bus and did his thing right there in the presence of everyone!!
Na wa o for this kain shit!!!
You can follow Isaacola AA on twitter @newnaija and @TT007newnaija