I am deceived by the allures of fabricated lies cocooned around my curiosity peddled by all and sundry. How on earth did these lies gain so much ascendancy over the truth? It is told and being retold on air via the internet,the radio and the television. It is so well packaged that most naive people jump on it and bite it down swallowing the bittersweet poison before realising that not all that glitters is gold.
I have been told a lie and I believed it with all my heart but now, with hind sight I regretted ever allowing that boy to take my precious God given gift away. I surrendered it with little or no fight because I was made to believe that having come of age it was a silent requirement that I throw my precious jewel to a guy that wont even remember the scar or the psychological pain I carry from the irreparable damage done to force open the door that was closed and supposed to be opened on the blissful night of my marriage, a day I ascend farther into womanhood.
Armed with filthy books and some terrible suggestive movies courtesy of my friends . I began to believe (though erroneously) that sex is the ultimate proof of my maturity! I’m just sixteen but well rounded where it matters most and my curves makes every man look twice before passing by. I went to one of the best schools around. Money was never the issue with me but class and being “classy”. I just finished my secondary school and the world was clearly at my feet. In fact the number of boys asking me out increased exponentially as each day rolled by owing to these attributes;I am intelligent, beautiful, fair skinned and speak with authentic british accent. ummmmmmmmmmmm, until my fifteenth birthday I was still untouched and un-soiled by the ravaging hands of men but that didn’t stop me from exploring and fantasising about what it will be like to moan, groan and climax under a well built man doing his thing on me sending me to cloud nine, if actually there was anything like that.
My friends are from well to do homes too but most of them had been sexually active by the age of twelve and therefore they could be termed as experts as far as this issue is concerned. The tales they come up with leave nothing for me but to explore this avenue to “wonderland”.
After much consideration, I decided to give it a trial. I picked a gentle looking but well built male eighteen years of age who was an undergraduate of the University of XYZ living very close to our house to be the one to take away my ” feminine shame”. He couldn’t believe his ears when I actually told him that I’m ready to be made a big girl by him. He was quiet, thinking I had an ulterior motive because he had been begging me for the better part of a year and the answers had all been the same: “Until I am ready for marriage, nothing”.
On the said day, I had taken some alcohol to boost my confidence but little did I know I was in for things I never bargained for. He came and asked us to watch some pornographic films to put us in the mood since I was still technically and practically a virgin. I consented but when it came to the real thing we were having difficulty because I was so narrow and he was so big; within three minutes that he gained entrance, he was through and I was left to clean up the mess! So that is sex. My mind was whirling and ready to spin out of control. Gbam! just like that,I lost my virginity and the boy was not even man enough to stay with me for few minutes afterwards.
I felt cheated, used and abandoned. So the hype about sex is actually exaggerated! Where is the moaning, groaning and cataclysmic orgasm I read about and the lucid picture of El dorado painted by my friends? To compound the whole matter, since we never thought of using condom, he left a generous amount of Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD) for me to nurture. I had to visit a Doctor where I was diagnosed of having some STDs that I never dreamt of in my short life. The Doctor advised me to come back after six months for HIV test since I am negative (according to their test) now which will need further test in the next six months.
I am overwhelmed and living in perpetual fear of the unknown. I have been swept under by the delusion of sex especially before marriage. I need help because I don’t think I will ever enjoy sex again. I am traumatised by the brutal incongruity of what I was told and what I experienced.
The words of my mum keep tugging at my heart ever since : “The female sex organ is so sacred the Lord had to hide it. Never open up your leg to any man except your husband”. What a whole lot of wisdom can be gleaned from this simple admonition.
The person wishes to remain anonymous even after narrating her ordeal to @newnaija