Bus Tales 18 – @asiricomedy

BUS TALES

Episode 17 here
http://t.co/391WpgiYr0

“Ladies and Gentlemen it has been a great time with you. I wish the newlyweds a happy married life. For the intending ones, I pray it comes to pass. Don’t hesitate to call me for your
events on this number. You can have my complimentary card as well.”

In my usual style I concluded the wedding reception programme very
early and promptly headed towards the park because I had another event to anchor that same day. I could not miss the event for anything because I had a feeling I would be able to gather money to buy my first car at the event;it was a royal event. What a dream!  I thought I would have been able to board a vehicle at the park but to my greatest surprise, all the cars were nowhere to be found at the park so I had to board an 18-seater bus waiting patiently and wait patiently for it to be filled. An idea came to my mind to pick a bike. But taking a bike from Akure to Abeokuta would be suicidal. Luckily for me
the bus filled up faster than I expected so the journey began.

The woman beside me clutched a baby to her chest and the baby suddenly
began to cry. She had no choice than to bring out the gigantic milk reservoir located in the front of her chest to silence the baby. The milk tank was too big for the kid’s mouth and for a moment I was tempted to help her set it so it could fit the baby’s mouth perfectly.

Thank God I came back to my senses earlier. It would have been another
“story that touches”. I was trying not to stare but I don’ know why my
eyes were constantly looking in her direction. I didn’t know the woman was an Ibadan woman. She noticed my prying eyes and reacted in anger. She turned to me and said “Abieyinnaafe mu ni?  Meaning, “Do you too want to suck too?” Deep within me I wanted to say yes. As a matter of fact I was about bringing out a straw to honour her gesture but even a fool would know it was an insulting sarcasm to caution me. I was seriously embarrassed but pretended she wasn’t talking to me. Thank God only few people heard it. I looked away and focused my mind on the event I was going for, formulating jokes in my mind and even looking for a way to add my recent encounter with the woman to my list of jokes.

I didn’t know there was still more to come. The lady sitting on my right had dozed off. On two occasions she had bounced her head against the rod in front of her while nodding off to sleep. When she could not fight it anymore, she succumbed to Mother Nature.
I thought I was dreaming when I discovered she laid her head on my chest.  It was like a dream come true because I’d been looking for a way to feel the texture of her hair. I didn’t complain. In fact I adjusted my chest well so she could be comfortable. She slept so soundly on my chest that for a moment I thought Vita-foam could consider my chest for an advert or
even consider me as their ambassador in place of Funke Akindele. In no time, I began to feel a wet impulse on my shirt. I looked up to see if the bus was leaking but it wasn’t. Even if the bus were to be leaking, it was not raining. The damsel resting on my chest
was drooling and her saliva was giving my suit a branded pattern. “What?! I am done for!” I exclaimed. In anger I gave her head a very hard knock and she instantly woke. She look a little confused and when realisation dawned on her, she started apologising. I felt like slapping her.  If only she knew what I went through before I got the suit she just soiled! I controlled myself and said “But why, your mouth no get control?” She kept saying sorry, brought out a white handkerchief from her bag and mopped the mess
off my suit. Her touch while mopping the suit pacified my anger and I started smiling uncontrollably. To crown it all she brought out a perfume and sprayed it on the affected area. What an experience!  Trust guys now such a thing cannot just go like that. I activated my P setting mode and began to explore the situation. I collected her number and saved it as “Saliva lady”.

We started talking but she dozed off again this time around
resting on her bag. We had completed more than 70 percent of the journey by that time. I looked at the time I still had 15 minutes more. In desperation I urged the driver to step on the gas. I almost took the wheel from him. The other passengers did not agree with my idea of hurrying the driver so they
shouted me down. To heighten my frustration one woman voiced out from
the back “Please driver you have to stop I wan shit. The thing don dey
hold me since. I don mess tire abegi stop else I go shit for bodi”. The driver had no choice but to pull over and the woman came down hurriedly and dashed into the bush.  Even from our position we could hear the “bokoharamic” sounds emanating from her anus. She must have been suffering
from “jedi-jedi” for long. The woman used 17 minutes in the bush. I was
impatient and silently praying that something would delay the event
so I could meet up. The woman got back and the journey resumed.

In no time we got to the final bus stop. I got down and hurriedly picked a bike to the venue. I was lucky to meet up because a lot of politicians were present. If I didn’t enter on time the SSS officials would have denied me entrance. They ushered me to the podium immediately. I didn’t even have time to relax and freshen up and I started doing my thing. As I was dropping one of my lines, my eyes caught a figure among the servers. It was “Saliva lady.” She is part of the servers. I doubted that she would not spice the food with saliva.

I am @asiricomedy on twitter and I blog on http://www.asiricomedy.blogspot.com

So far, Bus Tales will be reduced to once a week. Special thanks to those working behind the scene, @oge_writes @emini_anoti etc you are the boss and all the reader and writers I salute.

I’m @newnaija