SGT SANDA 1
He woke up with a start, eyes blood shot, and a niggling headache at the left corner of his balding head as a result of the overdose of alcohol taken the previous night to celebrate Corporal Saliu promotion. He dipped his left hand inside his massive boxers squeezing himself unconsciously, as it had become a habit. The response was instantaneous and the member rose at attention willing its owner to answer the morning duty of relieving itself of the toxic uric acid threatening to let go.
He hurried to the makeshift bathroom he shared with other neighbours in the face-me-I-slap-you apartment in one of the suburbs of Lagos. He unzipped and let his member bobble out with glee as he released the pool splattering here and there. Making a familiar throaty sound, he gathered the phlegm and let go a thick blob of catarrh-induced mucus which landed in the stinking gutter with a heavy thud.
He rinsed his face quickly and made his way back to his room. He struggled into his sweaty, smelly uniform that was overdue for dry and wet cleaning.
He hummed Wizkid’s number as he began his journey into the mainland on a Monday morning for another day of work. He had a premonition of evil lurking but being a non-religious person, he waved it aside as one of those superstitious things.
I love you pass mami water eee
I fit die on top of your matter ee
He needed to board at least three buses from his area before he will be in and around Ikeja. He was thinking age is no longer on his side and he had even started noticing some gray hair on his chest and armpit.
“Ol’boy, man don dey old”, he mused.
He hopped inside a bus where the conductor was shouting to passengers in his ‘weed’ and gin induced rant.
“Abeg enter with your change o, nah early morning we dey. I nor get change o, I no ready for Monday morning drama o”.
He neglected the conductor and continued his morning ritual of singing in different off keys to clear his mind and prepare him for the day’s job.
On getting to the bus stop before his, a salon car sped out of a T-junction and the bus was slow to react, leading a head on collision. The bus conductor ran out screaming at the top of his lungs spewing out obscenities, the driver too wasn’t letting go as he add his croaky frog voice to the senseless shouting.
Sergeant Sanda got out of the bus and marched majestically to the driver of the car and before anybody could blink, he slapped the driver twice and dramatically pulled out an handcuff like a magician to arrest the driver.
“You are under arrest mister man. In fact where is your driver’s licence? Hand over your car keys to me right away sef. You are a danger to the general populace, you bloody civilian”.
Unknown to Sanda, the young driver was a top military officer rushing to the airport to catch a flight to Abuja. While he was sputtering in the remnant of his alcoholic haze, a crowd had gathered and was hailing him.
Further buoyed by the crowd, Sanda kept marching and dictating proceedings at the accident venue not caring if he was blocking the road.
Trying to find out what was going on, a Major who was being delayed by the traffic that was obstructing his way walked to the spot to see the unsavoury sight of his boss being rough handled by a bloody pooh pooh.
As if remote-controlled, he made a dash for Sergeant Sanda and started pummelling him, raining blows and slaps on him without caring where they landed.
After dealing with the ‘useless Policeman’, he saluted the Lieutenant Colonel. Within the twinkle of an eye, the crowd that was hailing Sanda had retreated and were mocking him with his battered and increasingly swelling face.
The Major turned back to Sergeant Sanda who is used to ordering people around and beating people.
“You fool. You’ve messed with the wrong person today”.
He told Sanda to pull his ears and frog-jump. With the Major’s koboko serving as the encourager-in-chief, the sergeant had little choice. With every movement, the whip cracked different parts of his body.
When he was done, he was asked to take a wallow in the nearby pothole so as to “clean the sweat on your terrible body”.
The crowd laughed fitfully as one person was replaced by the other at different intervals, watching the early morning humiliation Sergeant Sanda was subjected to.