Bus Tales 15 – @sagaysagay

Bus Tales 14 here

Bus Tales 14 – Isaacola AA

There are two things about good-hearted folks like me. One, we are very few; two, we usually get in trouble in a bid to assist people. I was returning from the office last Friday when I eventually confirmed this. I am still deeply worried as to why people are in the habit of betraying men of good conscience like me.

I was on the queue at Tafawa Balewa Square (TBS), Lagos waiting to get on a BRT bus to connect Surulere after work last Friday. I had just dropped from a bike that I boarded from Idowu Taylor Street, Victoria Island. The park opposite the Lagos Tennis Club is my favourite spot  in Lagos, as you can be sure of getting to witness very interesting views after a tiring day at work. Lagosians going to different parts of the cities (and Ogun State – Mowe and Ibafo) usually converge on this spot to board buses to their destinations.

At TBS, you would see babes of all sorts of shapes (good and bad), and sizes (big and small) move up and down “pleading” to jump the queue; vendors – displaying their products ranging from drugs (gbogbon’ise), snacks, newspapers, to drinks packaged in cans and plastics; and on lucky days, you could get to see boxing bouts that could otherwise have been staged at the Las Vegas Arena for free.

After disembarking from the bike, or should I say after jumping from the bike – the Okada man needed to take off to avoid an arrest by LASTMA and, or, Police Officers –I quickly bought my ticket and joined the queue for BRT buses plying the Stadium/Fadeyi/Ketu route.

On this particular day, I was not lucky to see any boxing or wrestling bout but there were interesting headlines on PM News as usual.

On the front page was a large banner which read:

“I sat on my Pastor’s lap to receive grace but he ended up having sex with me – Lagos Blogger cries out”

To get people’s attention for sale maximization, the newspaper vendor was reading the headlines out loud. He was actually shouting. Since there were long queues and no buses were available to convey the passengers, he got our attention. Easily.

“You don hear the latest about the babe wey vex say her Pastor dey use am as side chic?” The vendor dressed in the phased-out O2 Arsenal jersey read out loud.
On a less tiring day, I would have asked him why he had the courage to wear the jersey of a team that had not won anything in the past 8 years, apart from making the top 4 in English Premier League. Not like the new season would make any difference since Mr. Wenger had failed, refused and neglected to buy any major player.

“Which scandal is this one again? Which Pastor is that?” A lady standing in front of me on the queue asked another babe in front of her.

I smiled at the fact that it was possible for anyone not to have heard about the matter. She apparently wasn’t on twitter, or even facebook. If she was someone I knew, I would have offered her a LASTMA uniform as we usually do on twitter. There was however something about the babe’s voice, something very good.

Below the big headline was another which read:

“I had long term and intimate relationship with Bianca Ojukwu – FFK declares”

The first headline however got more reactions since the FFK story was no longer hot and it appeared the former Minister had apologised for his (mis)statement which trailed the “deportation” of Igbos by the Lagos State government.

The babe bought a copy of the paper to read the hot news item.

“Haba! How will a man ask you to sit on his laps and you end up having sex with him only to now be forming like you were a victim?” the babe asked after reading the news.

“Deola, you can’t say that. That man was her Pastor. She had so much respect for him. That It could have happened to any lady, you know. Remember, the babe was looking for grace o.”. Her friend, who was standing in front of her, responded.

So, her name was Deola. I registered that. There was something about her hair too, it appeared very natural and the ponytail on her head stopped somewhere on her back. The ponytail was closer to her bum than her neck. It looked like something from a Bollywood movie.

“That is a big lie. How are we even sure she didn’t seduce the Pastor? The Pastor is a man who has blood running in his veins, pleeeeeease.”Deola responded.

I needed to speak with Deola, get her contact and put my P-setting moves in motion. It appeared joining the discussion was my best way of picking a conversation with her. I was however not sure of the approach I should take.

Should I support her position or that of her friend? While I was thinking about this, I intentionally left the queue to have a clearer view of Deola from a distance. I pretended as if I went back to buy gala from one of those boys selling snacks. I however complained the gala was too hard, so I ended up not buying and I returned to where I was standing.

Before I returned, I had a clearer picture of Deola and I was sure there was no way I wouldn’t make her sit on my laps. I used to hear the word “breath-taking” but I experienced it for the first time. Okay, don’t let me make an exaggeration, I experienced it again. She was a chic!

After my “environmental impact assessment”, I confirmed that her “layout” was exactly what I wanted in a babe. I returned to my position to have a further “re-examination” of her back-view which only one word could describe – gorgeous! Thesaurus could disagree though.

Then, I discovered that there was some dirt on her skirt and I quickly moved to “dust” it for her. I was doing this as a good Samaritan. Even if I wasn’t one, I felt her bum was quite inviting. My hand was already on her buttocks when I realized I didn’t ask for her permission (even if she was not going to grant it). What happened next, within the split of a second, was something that I last witnessed on TV in the 90’s. It was a dirty thunderous slap, just as delivered to Sola Fosudo by Clarion Chukwura in the popular Yoruba movie, Amin Orun.

I stayed glued to the spot with my hand on my face. There were so many stars flying in my eyes that I didn’t know how to remove. By the time the stars cleared, a bus had arrived, and people in front of me and behind me had entered the bus.

I was no longer on a queue.

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I am @SagaySagay on twitter and personal blog is sagaysagay.com